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The dying woman, the baby goat, and being a helper

2/27/2022

Today I was conversing with a friend, about her helping a neighbor who was a hoarder, and ill from RA, and was very mean and nasty to her neighbors. She had become toxic, alcoholic, but now was so sick that she needed help.
My friend was iffy about helping her, because of the history of grief that she had caused. but I had a similar experience with a neighbor when I lived in the Oakland hills.

My story, though, is really about "who are the helpers", and "who asks for help", and the circle of being of service to spirit.
We all are, in some way, and that world exists simultaneously to this one.
And we get help as well.

While living in the Oakland hills, a couple of decades ago, hanging out in my backyard:
At one point, I noticed my neighbor wasn't out on her back deck lately, where she would normally be drunk and saying mean stuff. I did see another woman, though out there, and she waved at me.
I found out it was her nurse. She said that she had been ill for some time, and was now in her home, in hospice.
She said that the woman loved to see the goats I had (mostly one, and she would have babies the spring. Her deck looked out over the fenced in area where the goats lived.
My goat had just had babies, and the nurse said the woman was excited about it.
So I asked if I could visit her for a minute.
I scooped up one of the newborn goats (so soft!) and headed to her house.
Let me remind you that this woman had been mean to me and the other roommates for a decade or more. I think after her husband died, she became sad, and angry and drunk and a little nuts.
But I brought the baby goat over and the nurse let me in the house, and to the hospital bed.
I don't know if she could really see anymore, but heard the nurse explain what was happening, and who I was.
I leaned into her and put the tiny hoof of the baby goat in her hand so she could feel it, and the softness of its fur.
She really couldn't talk, but she cried, and it was really beautiful.
I said goodbye and left.
The woman died a day or two later.
I knew that a lot of her resentment, anger, and despair drained out, and that a happier woman died and crossed over.
At that point, I had just dropped all the story, because she was dying. Because of the kind things the nurse said.
So, I think that I got a healing too, and could just let all that story go.
I guess the moral of the story is that people have trauma in their lives, and they twist and contort and become sick, and spew their sickness onto others, onto their houses, into their bones, and they do stupid things.
And, they have a soft heart inside there, somewhere, that got very hurt.
Or, the moral of the story is that baby goats legs are incredibly soft, and are quite healing!

At some point, and on some level, we are all interconnected; there is not separation.
We may contract our energies to that field but it is always there.
It is always here.
I was needed to show up, to help that woman melt off some of the denseness of her life. Grieving her husbands loss, drinking, and filled with fear and loathing of the outside world. And yet, there were these goat babies with their furry new legs, sweet and innocent, that she could see from her back porch.
It wan’t about me at all, but my forgiveness and being sacred witness was a part of her moving on.
And when I need help, people show up in the strangest and most graceful ways.
Either to show me something, or point me in a direction, to remind me of my strengths, my gifts, or the sacred magic in the world.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a spirit guide in a next life, or, in between.
How fun, and rewarding to help someone or keep them safe, and on their path.
But how excruciating, to witness their choices, and free will, when it goes in other directions. To stand back.
I imagine how fantastic the internet is for communications and instant delivery of it, and how it is similar in the spirit world.
In an almost comical way, I imagined it this morning, because I looked out my kitchen window while making my morning coffee, and there was this black rabbit near my house.
I mused as to its owner, maybe a sad child in the neighborhood.
imagining the prayers to the mighty ones, and somewhere there was a switchboard operator, delegating the prayer to a spirit guide for help.
“Yes there are prayers to Archangel Michael by the family, but there’s an accident on the freeway nearby, and he is needed there.
He can’t be chasing down a child’s pet. Let’s get the guardian angel on board, as well as the house elf and land fairies of the yard on the block that is a designated safe place for animals.
We’ll check back and see what Michael wants to do, and sign it off.”
“When is lunch break?”

The rabbit unfortunately died in the front yard, and I sang a song to it, and reminded it of her wonderful life and the good things. I realized when I posted it on Next Door that others had helped this bunny also. Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you for showing up.

How do you show up in the field?
What stories do you have to tell?
How does spirit place you in the right place at the right time to be of sacred service?
And, is it the dashing, important stuff (where you get to be hero, or show your talents and great wisdom), or is it the simple passing on of grace, of transformational light?
Do you work without telling others?
The invisible helper?

Sometimes I think that I have to have my own life together and be in a place of centered perfection for it to happen, to be part of the chain, but alas, that is usually not the case.
For some reason, helping small wild animals, and also spirits that got stuck or lost seems to be my task right now, as is nudging a persons spirit into center, into their own information and path. I do nothing but a slight nudge, at the right time, and the wheels get back on the track.

Not very glamorous, but very needed. That hello, or neutral acknowledgement has also saved me, enlightened me, and helped mold me into who I came here to be. I thank all of those angels in human form, and those without any form for that.
I can’t believe how people show up in my path to get a reading, or a shamanic session, or sometimes just a conversation at a coffee shop.

How did this meeting come about? Who set this up?

I do hope, as you go about your day, after you read this, that you remember to turn on your “available” beacon for those who need an angel. You can always turn it down, if you need to.

Sometimes, when it is you who needs the healing, or attunement, that is exactly what happens. Spirit sets you up to help someone else.

copyright@HelenaMazzariello/Spiritinjoy2022

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The Care and Feeding of your Shadow Self

2/10/2022

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Some of the most powerful forms of light work you can do for yourself is shadow work.
I know so many healers, psychics, shamans, and light workers. The most powerful, and effectual are those who are annealed by their experiences, by their successes and failures both. Their pain, and their light help others to allow their own fullness, their own realness. And by being in what is, healing happens.
I think we have all heard the phrase "spiritual bypassing", where one only looks at the light and love, and denies anything else. It gives power to what is repressed, and doesn't help anyone else. That's why I wanted to share some tips and explain a bit, because that space can be spring loaded at worst, and ineffectual at best.

Here are some simple ways to do acknowledge, be curious, own, understand, accept and transcend some of the darker parts of yourself.
We are made of both light and dark aspects, and refusing one and acknowledging one just adds fuel to the one resisted, and that fuel gives it more power.
Your shadow self is nothing to be afraid of, as it is a part of you.
It usually gets created in childhood.
We were born whole, and complete, but from various interactions with parents, or caretakers, we discern that certain parts of ourselves are not ok. They may say it to us, or, we may come to that conclusion on our own.
We believe that some parts are good, and some parts are bad. And we reject what we think is bad. We submerge it, but that only gives it more power. We repress what we think is bad, while we exaggerate what we think is good. We disown what we think (or was told) is bad.
And that part becomes the shadow, and it is unconscious. And it can "run" our lightworker program in an insidious manner.

The terms shadow, subconscious, and unconscious were brought by Carl Jung to the Western World, and his works on describing, understanding, and re integrating the shadow are priceless, and highly recommended. These are parts that are disowned, and that the ego fails to see.
They don't leave, but leave awareness, and live in the subconscious mind, where they grow in power.
They can and will affect everything you do, and comes out (to your conscious awareness) in the form of unconscious and limiting beliefs.

"Shadow work is the path of the heart warrior" ~ Carl Jung

It could be a sensitive boy told by his father to stop crying and "man up". He may stuff that part of himself and put up a wall of tough, which appeases his father, but the sensitive comes out in inappropriate times, or he may have trouble showing emotions when that is appropriate and healthy. He may have trouble in relationships, or have explosions of overemotional behavior.
It could be a young girl with a lot of boundless energy, and strong emotions who has a strong sense of self. Perhaps her anger is disowned, and told it was wrong or not ok to express. Perhaps she deduced that on her own.
If these are our main caretakers, we want to do what pleases them, and express more of what is validated.
Perhaps she represses her anger, but also her healthy, righteous anger. Her demure quality, and people pleasing gets her by, but she loses a lot of her power and life force.
When we repress because we are afraid of what other people will think of us, it starts to live in the realm of the subconscious.
We think conscious = light, and hidden = darkness. And we assume the darkness is bad.
There are talents, gifts, and a lot of power locked in to the shadow. It will help you to understand yourself, to make peace with yourself, and live a whole and balanced life. You are both.
And if we are healers, or caregivers, it makes us more equipped to hold space for another, in their wholeness.

We create a "split" when we dissociate. it can take over when we get triggered. We may not give it very much power, but it is powerful, and can cause a lot of grief, turn things upside down and disrupt many relationships.

Have you ever seen someone flip? Someone who's is normally cool and collected acts psychotic, overly dramatic, and rageful, because of some trigger?
Usually, if you become conscious of your parts, your shadow, and also your triggers, it can come up through you. If it stays unconscious, and stays charged up, disowned and potent, it may come at you, unexpected, in the form of a crisis, or another persons actions.
Yes, your disowned shadow parts can show itself in the form of another person.

That's one of the first ways to check yourself, and understand yourself a bit more.
How to spot the shadow in you:

Projections

Triggers

Patterns

Your shadow wants you to become aware of it, and to be accepted.
Just focusing on the light will not make it go away.
Understanding it (you), making peace with it, and integrating it into your life, including the gifts, talents and power that it holds.

It is simply to uncover what was hidden, and slowly healing those aspects of yourself.
Bringing back that power from the hidden depths.
It won't take years, but it is a commitment to your self, only you can do it, and it will help you to become whole.
It may bring up old childhood wounding as you do, but it will show you a whole other side of you. And bringing the hidden, disowned to light helps bring awareness, to something that is a part of you.

When you surrender to what "is" and so become fully present, the past ceases to have any power. You don't need it anymore. Presence is the key. The now is the key ~ Eckhart Tolle

Some ways that you can begin:
Review your childhood
Become aware of your shadow
Don't shame it
Use your triggers
observe without judgement
Make peace with your shadow, so you can find peace
It is the highest form of light work you can do.

Notice, be curious, be committed.

We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are. ~ Anais Nin

Meditations and shamanic journeying on this are exceptional in shadow work. Have dialogue, ask what gifts are there as well, in this shadow part. Take back your power.
Know that space of wholeness.
Lightworkers, your clients will thank you as well, for as you become more whole, you allow them that space too. Your world will shift, and the world outside of you will too.
Gentle blessings, my friend.
The Youtube video is good. If you like that, you'll also like Parts work, in IFS (internal Family Systems), by Richard Schwartz. I share his links on my newsletter, or find his talks on Youtube also. In his work, the parts of us we disown are called "Exiles". Here's more ... https://youtu.be/UNtussFaYC0
Here is to your wholeness! I see you!

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What Are You Dreaming Into Being?

12/21/2021

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Art= The dream vs the sleep of reason Jennifer Wilbert, a combination of two artworks, Henri Rousseau, "The Dream", and Francisco de Goya, "The sleep of reason produces monsters". It's a perfect image of this article, "What are you dreaming into being", when you understand that thoughts are things, that they have powerful energy that attracts like. Happy dreaming, you capable spirit in a body you!

Hibernate~hi·ber·nate
/ˈhībərˌnāt/ Early 19th century (earlier (mid 17th century) as hibernation): from Latin hibernare, from hiberna ‘winter quarters’, from hibernus ‘wintry’.
to pass the winter in a torpid or resting state, bears hibernating in their dens. 2 : to be or become inactive or dormant, let the computer hibernate.

As we celebrate the Winter Solstice by lighting candles, and celebrate the slow return of the light, let's not forget the passive work we are doing as we hibernate, slow down, hole in.
In the world of Covid it's made a bit more extreme (unless you have kids, and everyone is in the house, that's a different story).
Our social life becomes online, we spend more time alone, and the cold (in the northern hemisphere and countries) and dormant nature has us inside more, sleeping more, dreaming more.
What are you dreaming into being?
Not just through sleeping, but our day to day inner dialogue and thoughts, our big goals, and smaller goals, they dance about in our heads constantly. For some, it is the background music to the movie that is our life. We may not even notice anymore, but it is there.
In our sleeping dreams, we can still work out our lives, now that conscious mind is hibernating, the sub and unconscious, get to play out what is in your head. And that is a good thing!
In my Shamanic Journeying Course, we go to a place in non ordinary reality, where we can talk with our shadow selves; the being in us that feels a lot, but it gets subjugated, pushed down, out of reach, out of mind. Perhaps it feels inappropriate, or you were told it was, or perhaps you were scared by the amount of anger, rage, or sadness coming up.
But submerging it only gives it more power, and even changes your belief patterns. It is a part of you, those feelings, and thoughts. By having a safe place to unite, and discuss, and be witness, you can understand the whole that is you....your dark side is a part of you, and holds gifts. It also holds your life force, some of your power, and creative gifts as well. Shoving it under the rug serves no one, and these are the sort of things that can come up unconsciously, in conversations, or get to rise up (to talk with you) in your dreams.
In the class, we get to return to that sacred place to connect with that side of us, whenever we wish to, or need to. There are such treasures, and understanding to be had there. Becoming all of ourselves, not just the good, acceptable things, makes you a stronger, and more balanced being. Also, you won't project that part of yourself onto others, when you own it for yourself.
I think that many of us use the dream state to explore these parts and places.
And that is a great place to create.
And you are a very capable being!

"Sleep is not a dead space, but a doorway to a different kind of consciousness—one that is reflective and restorative, full of tangential thought and unexpected insights. In winter, we are invited into a particular mode of sleep: not a regimented eight hours, but a slow, ambulatory process in which waking thoughts merge with dreams, and space is made in the blackest hours to repair the fragmented narratives of our days...
Over and again, we find that winter offers us liminal spaces to inhabit. Yet still we refuse them. The work of the cold season is to learn to welcome them."

~ Katherine May, "Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times"
Art=Jackie Morris "Dreaming My Animal Selves"

Our dormant phase, our inward time is still pretty busy, and our bodies truly need it. Spending quiet time in nature, is healing. Spending time being silent is too. Not filling up the airwaves with music, computer, television, even surface conversations.
Do you have people around you that you can connect with, without incessant talking? Another reason to walk in nature, or go for a hike with friends, or just spend time in each others company. It is such valuable shared space, and goes a long way in terms of nourishment.
I ask my students to be aware of their inner thoughts, and outward speech, to just notice what they are dreaming into being. As we know, thoughts are things; they are energy, they create. You are a powerful creator, in ways that you have not been aware of!
Even the constant complaining thoughts, or negative thoughts (without any actions to make reality better) start to mold and form you, they create the air around you, they fill up the room around you, they start to create the types of people around you, and what you create becomes filled with that energy.

What are you dreaming into being?

In these hibernating wintery times, going deep within, and exploring your many selves is a powerful foundation creating workshop. Exploring your shadow side, your real motives for creating what it is you want. Spending quiet time dreaming, receiving. And creating through your positive tools of creation, of thought, word, and deed.
That upbeat place will help glide you to new avenues, new people, new ways of creating what you truly desire, and the air around you will be a welcoming place for others.
And you will be attracted to those places too, without realizing. New experiences get created for you in that way!
Dreaming the world into being can open you up to possibilities you hadn't thought of before, or didn't realize you could have.

I look forward to our new creations in the coming season, which started from that dreaming world of endless opportunities.
Happy Solstice, and happy dreaming!

copyright@HelenaMazzariello/Spiritinjoy2021

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Thank you for your light

10/2/2021

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There are so many people who, because of their own darkness, cannot stand someone standing in light. And yet, that is your strength, it is who you are.
You may be shunned for it. People will make up stories about you. Ignore you, or attack you. Because when that light is a lot dimmer, they feel comfortable.
Please, shine anyway. You have no idea who and how many you are helping, by inviting others to shine like you. I wish you could see that. You can still invite the others who do not wish you well. Don't try to change for them, or be defensive. They will even slander, gossip, and pull others into their delusion.
I wish I could show you the power and the brilliance of your own light.
We need you. Here. Be a beacon.

Great words from Brene Brown:
"Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people. If I negotiate myself with you, then I may fit in with you, but I will no longer belong to myself. And that is a betrayal I’m not willing to do anymore, to betray myself to fit in with you."

Think, for a second, of someone you know, who shines, with that inner light. You sense it around them, and it brightens up the room, almost heals it. You feel better around them. It is also their own personal protection, a boundary, a spiritual immunity.

Now, there are also times when the safety of the womblike darkness, a deep silent darkness, is the medicine. That is a healing. The womb of the goddess, the safety of the void, a place to just be.

Much of my work these days is shamanic, and spirit release, and compassionate depossession is a big part of it.
There are some entities who are afraid of the light, or hate it, or have been taught to be afraid of it.
Showing them the light of their own soul can start the process of their healing, and inevitable next step of going to a place that is better for them, and better for the client (they are actually both my clients).
Not all human spirits go to the light. Some were taught to go into the earth, or to cross a body of water. The portal for some is another dimension, or back to their planet, or, deep into the void of the darkness.
Some who have had an exhausting and traumatic time of it this go round need the healing of that dark and neutral void, before taking a next step.

And there are times, in this work, that I can cloak some of my light, to make those beings more comfortable. All the brilliance of the Archangels at once would be too much for them.
And that’s ok.
You see, I haven’t changed my light, just cloaked it, in a compassionate way, for some entities.
Did you ever go from a darkened room, like a theatre, into a room with bright lights? It almost hurts.
You need some time to adjust.

Perhaps, it is that way with the humans, who want you to dampen your light, and who will try to knock you off your center, throw you under the bus, to do it.
I see this every single day; aimed at me, aimed at others.
It is the cause of so much pain in communities, and the world.

Be that shining light of yours! And, be vigilant. But still be compassionate to those who are not able to have it.
It is not your job to convince them, to heal them, and it may hurt to have to exclude yourself from them. Feel that pain, and breathe through it.
Some broken places cannot be mended.

And continue to fountain that light, as it feeds the earth, feeds us, and radiates back to you and your path, like a toroidal loop.

And, I promise, others will come to you, with a shine that resonates with yours. There is community for you, and they will come to you.
They are all around you, actually, just living their lives, and quietly shining.

And the pain of having to dampen your light, or be punished for your light, excluded because of your light, will start to heal on it’s own.
Acknowledge it, though.
Remember, you cannot change or fix them, as they have their own path, and lessons. Always, though, invite them. Let that door be ajar.

And, allow them gently to exit your field of energy, the way leaves on a tree show their true colors in autumn, and with the ease of gravity, and the spirit of the wind, effortlessly grace the ground.
You are here for the long haul. You have deep roots. You are not going anywhere (and we need you, dear one).

The simple shining, into a world of pain, and ego, and hatred, is, in itself, a political act.

This is your gentle wake up call.

copyright@helenamazzariello/spiritinjoy2021

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a basket. Instead, they set it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify God in heaven.…

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Reinventing yourself, and that liminal space

9/1/2021

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As I am in my own process of reinventing myself, it seems like I can see so many others around me who are also. That seems to be the questions asked to me frequently in the many readings that I do also. Coincidence? I think not.

I’d like to talk about the uncomfortable (usually) place in between those worlds, that liminal place.

You don’t quite fit in to the old world, as your brain, your mind, your heart are changing, lightening up, even if you are a bit dragging the pieces of the old world with you. Not the beautiful parts, the worthy parts or memories you wish to keep in your heart, or the good habits and completions and friendships that give you fortitude, but the old trauma responses, the limiting beliefs, and yes, sometimes those friendships or relationships that mirrored or even attracted them.

What I have noticed, is that when the Phoenix fire, or the determined anger fuel that gave you energy to make the first changes starts to die down, or relax, or go into the background, you may notice the uncomfortable silence.

You may feel alone. There can be a drop of energy, and it may feel like you lose momentum. Pain may start to seep in, and it may be different than the adrenaline fueled place of the Phoenix, especially when you have already made the move, broken off the relationship, or taken a big step out of your past, voluntarily or otherwise.

This is especially true for people leaving an abusive relationship, or habit.
I see that staying in those still places, being in the silence and just breathing consciously can really help. Long out breaths. Being in nature, the sounds of nature, the long horizontal landscapes of water, or the sound of your feet crunching the redwood or pine needles, can help you. Simple mono tasking, quiet time, can help to reset you.

Don’t be afraid of this unfamiliar liminal space. It is a resting place along the way, where body can catch up to spirit.
There is no fire here pushing you forward, no intensity.

Slowly set about bringing more light into your space. It will help you on your journey, especially when you need it. Your energetic field is morphing, and changing, and it is like a little death.

Trusting is key. Trust in spirit. Trust in your own spirit, that knows so much more than your logical mind, which wants guarantees about the future. Your energy field is changing in this liminal phase to help you take your next step, as your new change settles into your bones, and cells, and the places in between your cells.

Remember, too, that in your chrysalis, you are not alone. Spirit will bring you friends with their own stories to help you on your way. Your story will help others, even if your story is messy, and imperfect.
The more your energy field quietly changes, like the yeast rising a bread, the easier your sojourn, and the more complete.
Write affirmations for yourself, and post them in places you can see daily, and in places that surprise you.
Sometimes, keeping a journal, can help validate those changes, and keep your affirmations, your new way of seeing your life and the world.
Because that is what is starting to happen. Your new world was built upon the old, and there is foundation there.
Let part of your foundation include stellar new boundaries.
Spoken.
Demonstrated.
Let part of your foundation include forgiveness. Even leaning in to forgiveness. Praying for, or seeing them whole and well. Don’t take that old stuff with you, the old stories.
Better boundaries, learned lessons, and let go of the rest.
Remember to include yourself, your old self, in that equation.
See your old self in that light, in its best light, and let go of some of the stories, to prove how right you were.

You are going somewhere else.

Reframing, including the words you use, can help your Phoenix transformation, when the fire has gone to ashes, and it is just you.
I don’t mean denial, I mean a conscious knowledge, a spirits compassion, and an eye on the prize of your reinvention.

Travel lightly, but think big, and see yourself in your best light.
Travel lightly, and take yourself lightly.
Resist others that urge to DO something, and allow the changes to occur in their own time. This is a temporary phase, but important.

A bumblebee, technically, scientifically, should not be able to fly.
It is simply too big and bulky, for those small wings, which vibrate at a slower rate than what could raise it off the ground and into the air. And yet it does. Everyday.

Your transformation and reinvention is an inside job, no one can do it for you. Let the silence help you, but also the strength and stories of friends and family, and colleagues, heroes and heroines in everyday life. Listen. Ask for help. Tell your story to others, even if incomplete.
There is a medicine in that. Ask spirit to give you that friend, or inspiration, or chance to help, daily.
You are reinventing, and it is not all fire and explosion of you the Phoenix. The heat is in the coals, protected by the ashes, and it is quiet now, in this liminal space.

@copyrighthelenamazzariello/spiritinjoy2021

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Being of service...the work

8/9/2021

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Where are you being called to be of service?
Is the Supreme Being asking for your help, and are you aware of it?
Is that what meditation is? Or prayer?
There is a place where it all gets muddy, when you add in your ego, your fears and limits, perceived and otherwise, and also other people's demands.Whether it is a deep Soul remembrance, a knowingness of what needs doing, or simply a willingness to show up in life, a sort of spiritual "surprise me".

What I lack in expertise and experience, I make up for in willingness to learn, a tempered enthusiasm, and perhaps The Fools persistence.
And lots of love for others, and for the world.

Listening to the sound of my cat snoring as I write this brings me joy.
He is taking his next step, at 16 years old. He has been like a child to me and Terry, and also a teacher on unconditional love, and gentleness.
He sleeps almost on my face, with his fangs dug into my cheek, and purrs so loud, even if you just glance over at him.
He has helped Terry in his dying process, not leaving his side, and purring constantly, in the fast couple of weeks until Terry's death.
Two days before my partner died, and while in active transition, Kramer wouldn't go in the room, just stayed at the end of the hallway. I could feel the energy shifting in the entire house, as stuff got real. Other people felt it too.
I think his mom showed up in spirit (besides others who loved him, and the psychopomp ancestors) and his mom didn't like cats.
After Terry's death, Kramer just loved me so much, he was like a prescription for pain relief, peace, and light.
And, almost a year later, after helping me grieve the worst, it is now Kramers turn.
And so I am administering morphine to him, just as I did Terry, and singing how much I love him.

Not taking in water anymore, seems to be a big turning point in this process. And water is life.
And I am doing just what I am supposed to be doing. Which is what this article is about.

I mean, I love my work as a psychic, and counselor, shamanic practitioner, and teacher. And I love lifting the light quotient on the planet, creating beauty, witnessing it. Doing what you love. and doing what needs to be done.
What is it that you do, from a place of knowing?
Not wishing, wanting, habit, security, but from a soul knowing. You know that is the plan.
Yes, that is what this writing is about; that once you know, you get out of any effort about it. It seems that you have the wind and the elements, and invisible forces behind you, making it simple, and elegant.
Even if your task is to go up against the powers that be, the snarky cheerleaders, the bullies, and abusers? Even if there is a backlash, and you know there will be one? Even if what you know you must do will have a cost, a price to pay, or will change you? Even if there were easier pathways? Even if no one will know that it was you, and your work remains anonymous?
Or if you are really, really good at something else?

So, how do you know what that is?
What things in your life have you done, or shown up for, because you just knew?
Perhaps you even surprised yourself?
Is it through dreams, prayer or meditation? Does the universe have a hand in your synchronicities? Your guides and angels? And yet it is you who must take the plunge.

Many times I have just shown up to help someone, it was a knowingness. Or, a labor of love.
Sometimes it manifested as being selfish, assertive, to get that job, that part, to be there, at this time, now.
What was it for you?

And yet, sometimes I wonder if we are unconscious to the great and majestic dance of synchronicity of our universe (multiverse) and we are all the hive mind, working in some great unison, like a chorus, or an orchestra, or a well oiled machine.
What made you move here, and not there? Help this one but not that one? Take that class at that particular time, or that job, or that friend or partner?
Is there some kind of cosmic meeting somewhere, where they figure all this stuff out precisely?

Well, whatever the answer is, I sense it very loudly lately. And yet, I am in Grace, and humility about it at this point.
So my amazing cat Kramer will take his last sweet breaths with my love, and some morphine, and I sense Terry showing up now to help him cross over.
And, my friends came over to support me, and helped me dig a grave, and taught me about helping pets cross, and the beautiful, and sweet tributes that you can do for his final resting spot in the yard. They are truly angels in human form, and have given me support with Terry's passing as well, and I have been taught well how to return the favor.

And as sad as I will be about it, as they have, and this has all taught me so much about the different worlds, and why we do what we do. Perhaps from afar, we all appear a just a grid pattern of dots of light around our beautiful earth, helping her ascend, by just being, and showing up, even if we didn't know exactly why, or even if it was our plan, or we didn't think that we would be any good at it.
I don't even know the me I will be, without those two men in my life.
Hopefully they'll give me lots of love and support from the spirit world.
I guess I will stay here, and find out!
I hear so many stories and am shown so many stories, and instances, where people just knew what they had to do. I hear my clients talk about them, and their guides point them out sometimes.
And, you know we are all preparing for them beforehand. Even those small steps and preparations are sacred ones.
You are in right relationship.
You are in right relationship.
Yes, trust that. Access it. And take action from that place.
Helping Kramer take his steps to the spirit world will be mine right now, and he may be already gone when you read this. Please give him a wave and send some love.

And thank you for the work that you do, in this crazy, and beautiful dance.
This carefully orchestrated dance of life and death, of inhaling and exhaling.
We all value what you do. Do more of that.

8 Comments

Sovereignty, healthy anger, and a suffering soul

7/6/2021

2 Comments

Clean, righteous anger is so healthy for the body, the mind, and the soul. Whether you can express it outwardly, or need to scream it down a well, or throw rocks into the ocean or lake, it’s a part of being human, of protecting your boundaries, and of communicating what is not right, not working, not fair, and needs to change.
I have been watching a “Wisdom of Trauma" summit with the famous doctor Gabor Maté, and it is powerful. What triggered me in the movie was when he was working with a man who was dealing with cancer, and Gabor noted that in his findings with clients, most people who get cancer have a similar personality signature: they tend to have a hard time expressing their anger, they care more about another's needs than their own, and they feel great responsibility for others. They care too much about what others think, and avoid causing the stress of others, even if they don’t express their anger because of it.
His book, and talks on “When the Body Says No”, is groundbreaking, enlightening, and can be healing if you choose to look within. (I’ll post a youtube link for you at the end of this blog).
That was my dad, that was Terry, and that is me as well.
Terry had lots of anger, but he couldn’t express it cleanly, and he had a hard time with it, so he avoided doing so.
My Dad had had enough in his childhood, and just wanted peace.
I have a hard time expressing it, sometimes even accessing it. To keep the peace? Enabling? Because I am afraid of what people will do? Because of the repercussions?
Afraid that what comes out of my mouth will be so much harsher, since I’ve held it in for so long?
Because I am a nice person? Because I don’t want to see others in pain or hurt?

Growing up, we were all afraid of my moms anger. She had many emotions, but anger had us all stressed. Maybe it was because she was old school mom, raising 5 kids. Perhaps it was because she channelled something quite dark, and it came out then.
I tended to be the nice girl, the good girl (at least until my adolescence), and definitely the over sensitive one!
That kindness and sensitivity has become the cornerstone of my creativity, of my healing abilities, and my demeanor.
It wasn’t until later that I learned to have boundaries, and that healthy emotions include healthy anger, even rage.
Healthy is all the range of emotions.

In my years of doing readings, I can see if a person is expressing their own anger, or, the anger of someone else.
In your own space, someone else’s anger can feel like it is out of control, that it can’t be processed, it has no beginning and no end.

I just witnessed that yesterday, in an episode.

As emotionally draining it was for me, (and embarrassing, as it was in my front yard early Saturday morning) it freed me in a way, and taught me a lot.
Some of which I am still processing.
I’m learning why I do the work that I do.
What tools I still need.
And how to process it, and release it.
How to sit with the discomfort of other people being in pain, and unhappy with us. Or, unhappy, and not trying to fix them. Checking in on what you need while having difficult conversations, and setting boundaries.
Eye contact. Breathing through it.
Being present with the discomfort. There may be old trauma there, wounding, pain, and some weird velcro energy that keeps this happening in your life.
What is the learning lesson?

Grateful to have energy tools.

Having a “being whack” headache, the next day, after an exhausting escapade with someones angry and acting out being.
I know this very well, and also, I know the anxiety of it escalating into something big…a screaming match, a broken glass, a destruction of some sort.
And this time, as in other times, I felt it first.
Upon awaking, I felt the stomach tightening, and the heart also, and a feeling of dread, or fear.
There shouldn’t be those feelings, as nothing risky was to happen.
But there it was.

It was a simple situation of having some work done in my yard. The person (who brought a helper) measured something incorrectly, and had to spend time fixing it. Instead of apologizing and owning it, he blamed me, started yelling, threatening to leave it the way it is and go.
The atmosphere felt so very tense, almost explosive. I was a bit shaken, and went inside, not sure if it would get done, or not.
I still had my pajamas on, it was early, so I went back in, had coffee and took a shower and got dressed. Why did I feel so shaken?

In the middle of all this, I went inside, and sat down and said hello to my crown, my sovereignty, and my healthy boundaries, and then, said hello to the being.
Aha! That's what it was!

Ok, it all started making sense. It wasn't the man, but something living inside of him. He was channeling it.
So I centered myself, and began to talk to the being living inside this guy (who I guess was fixing the project outside, as they were still there, I could hear them working.
I told it (telepathically, firmly) that it is NOT welcome here, and MUST wait outside the yard, on the street.
No more destruction!
I see you, and all your anger. If you want some help, or some healing, there is a place for you (showing him the waiting room crystal, a healing tool that I use).
I could sense him listening, and so surprised that I could see him.

It did calm down, and I heard them working outside. When I went to check on the work, and take a photo, it was already finished! I saw the man's back, but he just walked down the driveway, and left (with the being).
His partner was still here, though, and spoke with me and profusely apologized for him. This is not a new behavior, that happens to him sometimes.
I was grateful for that conversation.
It grounded me.
The man returned with lunch for them both, and some beer. They were finished with the project, and it looked excellent. I think the beer or two placated the being, because it was all so much calmer. I felt safer. All was ok. His partner had cleaned and packed up the tools, and took his truck home.
I continued to find my space, and ground, and breathe, and gathered what I owed him. Everything was settling.

After I paid him, I told him that his partner apologized for him.
I said that how he acted was similar to my past partner's outbursts, and when it happened to him, it was very hard on his body. It would sometimes mean a sharp headache for the rest of the day, like a migraine.

I knew, though, that the outburst was not him; even his face and his walk changed. And, as this phenomena is so atmospheric, the entire room, or sometimes house would change, even if it was inside of a car. It was as if the ceiling was getting lower, or like the heavy energy just before an electrical storm.

I said that if he did not take care of this and change it in himself, that it would cause havoc in his space, and continue on into his children. It is very hard on his body.
I held my heart, while I said that that behavior is not ok with me, that we need much better communication. His actions are not acceptable here, and we need crystal clear communication on future projects.
I told him that I have to speak up about it, for myself, my integrity, because that is abusive, and I have dealt with this before.

He did apologize, and I saw that he was back in his body again. Yes, better communication next time. Yes, he also seemed to agree that the out of control anger was not him, and yet he didn't understand it.
(I could sense it to be a family ancestor, male, angry, and a bit of a drinker.
Everything calmed after he had two beers, and ate.)

The man I have been writing about is a very nice, competent man with a lot of integrity. He's a great guy. He just has a squatter stuck inside of him, and it causes pain and destruction to himself, and others. If it is a "not well yet" ancestor, well, he really didn't have much of a choice.
Well, he does, he just doesn't know it.

How stressful and weird. I felt a lot of emotions….energetically whacked by an angry entity, scared that the men would leave and I would be stuck with a mess, and embarrassed that this was happening outside in my front yard in the early morning. And I'm in my pajamas, and before coffee.

I was grateful, that I spoke to the being, and stated my boundaries.

That evening as I decompressed, I still had a bit of "being headache" but I was ok, and healed myself.
Much later, perhaps the morning, I felt very fragile, and weepy, like I had hit a nerve, or that a lot of pain was being released. My scared child self. How long has this been going on?
I spent today going a bit slower, and spent time in nature to heal. The big healing happened though, when I spoke up for myself, and spoke the truth. I stayed in the uncomfortableness of it. Of being an empath, a sensitive, who can sense and see spirit, a person who has been abused by peoples entities for a very long time. So long, that it became the backdrop of my relationship.
Being at the effect of, feeling unsafe, and running around trying to fix it.

This is a big reason why I do the work that I do, to help others who experience this. The being, and the human are both in pain because of it. I was taught to use the phrase "suffering soul" instead of being, or entity, but I chose to use the word "being" here. In this case they are interchangeable. It also helps to be compassionate, as well as having boundaries.
Yes, you can have both.

The next night, I was working with my guides for healing, maybe 6am. I asked for healing from my Ascended Master “brothers”, and my teachers.
They showed me all the times where I was subject to that (a rageful, angry being in my own partner, who recently passed).
Many years of it sulking, creating drama, nasty, hurtful. And who I became, to be able to deal with it.
There was so. Much. Pain. Years, decades of it. Many times it was in public. The entity ran the show. It was abusive.
Never physical, but taxing.
And I'm just so nice.
My partner was many things, including a wonderful, peaceful, patient, loving, and creative person. But, he had a being which disrupted both of our lives. I didn't have the tools in the beginning to deal with it, but I did get them. And now, I help others.

I got a healing, and released so much of that pain, and fear, and abuse energy. It was powerful.
I am still healing from the work they did, releasing a lot of past emotion, mostly pain, and fear, and other peoples energy.

I am telling you this story, to help you understand that even nice, kind people can have a squatter living within them, that can cause drama, pain, chaos, destruction, and can affect everyone around them.
Perhaps the person chose it for protection, perhaps the being is addicted to something, and uses the person. Perhaps the entity is just really stuck, and needs some help.
Maybe you know someone like that, that seems to change suddenly, dramatically, and the energy of the whole room changes.
Perhaps you are that person. Perhaps it is someone close to you.
What are some good tools to have when you encounter this in another?
How do you keep your sovereignty? (And what is that, exactly?)
What if that person doesn't believe, or doesn't want help?
What if it is overwhelming?
Or depressing?
Or causes physical symptoms?

If you need a reading from me, for yourself, or a relationship reading about this, please feel free to get one from me. You can get a lot of information that way, or, get a Hello as spirit. It can be so helpful.
Go to the Store page for that.
I also do shamanic sessions to help the suffering being, and healing sessions to help the person regain wholeness, zip up the energetic boundaries around them, and help the being find help, closure, and a better place to be.
The angry being may just be a very stuck, suffering soul, who hasn't seen any light in a long, long time.

Go to the Shamanic Healing page for that. There are more articles there for you to read, that can be very informative, and helpful.

Remember, that things aren't always what they seem. A rageful being could be a very lost, or very sad being, or perhaps had at one time a perfectly good reason for being that enraged. Sometimes just talking it through, being sacred witness in a compassionate (but sovereign, and safe) place can change everything, and this stuck soul can find something better, a better place to live.

I give a free, short talk, and you can bring your questions, or stories about this every other Wednesday, on Zoom.
You can find out more here, on upcoming events and I'll send you the link.

Lastly, here is the link to the Youtube lecture of Dr Gabor Maté, on "When the body says no", a truly fascinating talk on the negative consequences of always appeasing others, when perhaps your inner you is strongly saying no. It is truly worth the listen.

Many blessing as you go about your day, your summer, and here's to your eternal growth and healing.
And may all beings be free. ~Helena

2 Comments

You are from a resilient ancestral line

3/22/2021

3 Comments

We do not just have generational trauma, we also have generational gifts. I know so many of us that are unpacking the epigenetics of our ancestors, in a way of unraveling ourselves, and of healing our family lines. Those of us working on our shadow parts realize how much power, and creative energy are trapped in those parts, and how you were doing the best you could with what you were dealt.
Your ancestors also had resilience, courage, loyalty, integrity, kindness, magic, and warrior energy in them. And in their DNA.
And you have it too.
Your ancestors gave you more than just wounds.
Now that my Polish mother has past (the first anniversary is coming up) I sense a strength, and a kindness in her, in her spirit, and in her line.
And yet what a hard life that lineage has had. And, they have so many gifts to offer as well.
Remember those gifts, and those talents, and that resilience.
That is in your DNA also.
When the hardest times happened in my own life, and I thought I could take no more, my mom would say to me, "You will make it. You can do this. We are survivors. I am that. You are that".
And it helped assuage my pain, even though I did not quite know all the stories, that I know now.
If you are going to choose a label for yourself, acknowledge what happened, but choose a version of that label that holds space for the brightest version of you and what you are growing into. What they are growing into.
You are not just a victim. Or a survivor. You are so much more. And you are here to change and evolve that, and your descendants and your ancestors reap the benefits. As do you.
Be aware of what archetype you have focused on. You are meant to grow, and evolve from them, and eventually change those forms, even if they have been etched into your lineage.
I have been looking down the family lineage of both sides of her generational lines, and yes there was trauma. Absolutely. And in her was a pain that I never understood, as a child. The pain made her softer around the edges, even though she tried to be stoic, but her trauma splintered her.
After I understood (and saw clairvoyantly, and was witness to as shamanic practitioner) I had compassion for so many things.
What an awakening.
It is too much to list here, but what I do know, it that some hold the burdens for the family line, and some do not.
And that some go back in time to witness, and heal the family trauma, and some do not.
Some live out and become the trauma, some even further the abuse.
there can be so much pain there, it seems unbearable.
I see that in my practice, quite a bit. The secrets, hungry ghosts, the curses that go down family lineages, and the illnesses which gravitate toward certain organs and bones.
The dysfunction that serves instead of evolving, and which gets passed on.
I watch as my brothers rage, and control are almost identical to generations past. It never gets witnessed, or the clenched fist opened, and the pain unraveled.
And down it goes, down the family tree.
He couldn’t even acknowledge my partners death, ghosting what doesn’t follow along, or refuses to be abused.
As much as it hurts my heart, I can see the pattern, like a snowflake, or a fractal. I gives a bit of compassion, and even a sense of hope.
Hope because I have seen, how toxic patterns in family lines do change. Slowly. By bringing it out of the shadows. By being sacred witness. By love.
Love and patience, and being witness to the past, withholding judgement.
A soft yet solid protection, a curiosity, yet an enormous aura of sovereignty, and ownership of crown.
That can move the most solid of mountains, and offer solutions of release, and of lighter paths.

Back to my mother, and her growth as a spirit.
I dream of her a few times a week, and we talk. She shows me what she’s learned. I sense she is with family and loved ones. She is watching over me. While I am grieving my partners loss, she holds the kindest space, because she knows.
That has happened to her.
She went mad for a while, and sunk into the madness of grief, of pain, and denial, much to my family’s horror.
It became their pain, too.
Now I see that trait in the lineage.
Luckily, I am allowing my pain, and asking for help, and being kind, and patient with myself.
And she comes around with the kindness that she has, that perhaps she could not muster for herself.
It is so healing.
So healing.
Especially in these Covid quarantine times, when I am alone here, or just with nature.
Nature healed her as well. So did her work.

And my brothers rage? I cannot match it. My life is softer, kinder, because of the work I do, and what I have seen. My organs could not hold that energy. I couldn’t even ask my body to transmute it all, because it goes so far back.
So, energy work it is.

Remember all the good, that your family lineage holds.
The well ones, the radiant ones, are there for you, with only love, and wisdom, and no agenda.
They can help,
just ask.

The well, the true, the radiant ancestors can show you paths you did not know,
to healing waters, and strengths, and fortitude, and joys, and delights, and amazing growth. and change.
And this, you can pass down to your descendants.

A well worn Polish dress, with secret images embroidered into it, showing goddesses, and helpers, and customs, and creation, and answers to questions, and secrets.
So many generations have worn those ancient vestiges, and if you notice carefully, some have hemmed, and re hemmed parts of it, have mended, and washed, and even added to it.
Added its magic and protection. There are rules and ethics on how to be, there are talents, and strengths sewn into the fabric. How to make a way out of no way. There is even how to heal yourself, how to grieve, how to sing to others, how to absorb healing, how to grow, how to build community, how to be sovereign in the face of change.
That is all sewn into your DNA.

You were made out of the love of thousands.

Happy spring, and may those fresh green shoots mirror your own growth, and the growth of all who came before you.
Yes, they can still heal, and grow.
As will you, and yours.
May it be so.

Natalia Rak, muralist, in Białystok, Poland

copyright@helenamazzariello/spiritinjoy2021

3 Comments

A transfiguring tool with the breath

2/10/2021

1 Comment

We must be the change we wish to see in this world, to be the light.
Unabashedly.
And yet gently, silently. Be the love.
It’s hard when things aren’t going our way, and amongst the fear and the darkness, around us. And in us.
But once we know, we can’t go back.
We can’t unknow.
Staying in that place of gratitude, and divine love, is a gentle and quiet space, it can be invisible to most, although they will see it in your eyes.
They will sense your aura, because it will be expansive.
Others will sense that, although they will probably not see it.
As a psychic, it may look like the aura of someone in love.
I’m sure you have had that, and that you have sensed that in others.
And you can’t help but be affected by it.
The same with animals, and with plants, with the elementals, and the elements themselves!
You can’t help but be affected by it.

There is always a time out space, though, and there is always the ability to have doubt, and fear, or grief, or resentment.
It is there also. Sometimes these things need to be brought to the surface, and acknowledged, otherwise they will scream for attention, and will show up in other ways.
That is life, and it is not a problem. It doesn’t stop the road you are on of be-ing, of your divine sovereignty.

Yes, this is your divine right, to own your space, and to decide how you wish to run your energy.
it is your choice.
And you get to choose, and re choose, every second, every minute every hour of every day.
You get to wake up in the morning and decide.
You get to be entangled in the world, and react.
And then choose again.
It is a constant awareness, and loss of awareness, of being aware of your sovereignty, and reaffirming that space.
You can show others around you of your choice, and they can choose to uplift as well, but they don’t have to. They have choice too.
It is a gentle showing, and an invite. It is an inward process.
Imagine it as a meditation, of breathing in that light, and being it. That love. That golden energy of the blessing field.
Be it, in that place between breaths, in that short precious pause.
And on the exhale, you can be aware of what isn’t that in your space, acknowledge it, and breathe it out.
It is a wonderful transformative meditation!

It is life affirming, and love affirming. And, on the out breath, you just are aware of the drama, or the anger, or grief, or pain, for example.
Perhaps for only a second or two of that long exhale.
Just try it for a moment.

Breathe in the light, breathe in the love, it is divine, immense, healing! It comes into you, brilliant, glowing.

In-between the inhale and exhale, just become it. No separation.
I AM that. I AM.
You are starlight, you are sunlight. You are that brilliance. You are love.

Exhale now, slowly, and acknowledge anything that appears. Yes, that. I see you. Yes.
Just allow those thoughts, the “yes buts”.
Be witness, let them be heard, be loved, and then allow them to simply drain the extra.
As you do this, your auric field changes, your brain waves slow down, your fight or flight response in your body loses its grip, and your body heals itself.
All of your “yes but” thoughts, (most coming from ego, some from shadow) are heard, and acknowledged.
Some of the ones that require physical action at some point, can have layers and layers of emotional energy drained off of them.
Especially if you do this meditation often, and it becomes a habit.
When those layers drop off, how you react to those thoughts and emotions is very different.
You can hear them, coming from the space of your true self.
You can acknowledge and be witness to them.
And so many of the issues and problems in your life became bigger, as they were filled with layers of fear, and anger, and old beliefs.
Just allow them. Let them tell you. Be there.
And then, inhale.
inhale in the light. Transfigure. Become.

It is an amazing, simple way to transform your energy, and the energy of the space around you.
You will see huge changes by doing something so simple.
It is not spiritual bypassing to become light, and you can act if you need to act…to have healthy boundaries,
to say no,
to get things done,
to handle difficult situations.
But it comes from a different paradigm.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are"
E. E. Cummings

Transfiguration is beautiful, but it is also empowering, and offers you more choices. And you can do this breathing exercise while taking a walk in nature, upon awakening, while waiting on hold on the telephone, while listening to an upset friend, while being upset yourself.
perhaps remind yourself to do this, by leaving a reminder in places in your home or car. A post it note, a small trinket that reminds you to just breathe with intention.

Take a minute or two to transfigure, and just be that light, the love and the gratitude of that love that you are.
let it be part of your spiritual immune system, your energy hygiene regime. Let it be a tool for your spirits toolbox, and watch how your life changes.

Blessings, and bright moments,
Helena

1 Comment

A death in the family

12/5/2020

1 Comment

Wow this year has really been intense, as my life as I’ve known it has been completely unraveled, completely changed, and I, with it.
It started with my mother dying, of Covid, in April, when the pandemic had begun. I spoke with her on Friday, and she had turned a fast corner, and passed on Monday.

When I last saw her in person, she was living at her own home, which I knew was about to change.
I remember saying goodbye to the house, the memories, the chachkis, the old linoleum, the way she had her kitchen table set, her fishpond, the trees, the plants, the stories, oh the many stories, and the love.
I gathered as much love as I could, in my pockets, and gave back to the earth, my gratitude.
At that point, my ancestors were waiting, patiently “for Louise”.
After she passed, I held space for her, energetically, and watched her, as she took her slow journey back home.

I didn’t know then, that my own partner, of 20 years would pass suddenly 5 months later, of cancer.

It all happened so fast, and it was all so very intense. My only job was to care for him, with as much love, and consciousness, and spirit as I could.
It was three weeks, from when we found out, until when he succumbed to his cancer.
What a journey. My friends, and his friends, and all our family held him, held us both in love, and light, and spirit, and that made all the difference in the world.
All of my psychic and shamanic colleagues did also. It was like an amazing net of light, around us both.

Of course it was painful, and scary, for us both, and I did my best to make sure that Terry wasn’t in pain, and felt truly loved the entire time.
I think he felt that.
In three short weeks, we said our goodbyes, and I had to handle so many things, on so many levels, so that his transition was smooth, and righteous, and good.
I think that was accomplished. His family came to visit on a Friday, and he passed the next morning.

I had never been so close to cancer. I had never been so close to death. I spoke with these two beings at great length, until the end, and beyond the end.
I learned so much, about love, and about presence, and about keeping it real (I was playing powerful, spiritual music for his passing, as he was in hospice at home, with me. Then I realized that he doesn’t like my “new age” music, and would be better with his favorite jazz tunes, his John Coltrane, and Dave Brubeck, and Miles Davis.
That was a better send off for him.

I was lucky to be psychic enough to witness the energy around his passing, and afterwards, on his next journey, his next steps, and I am very grateful for him allowing me to witness that.
There was so much love around him the whole time.

Funny, that I finished my teachers program at that time, and the last course, was on Death, and Dying.
I had to be witness, and feel all of that, to help me to be a better teacher, a better wife, friend, and a better human.
I learned and grew, also, by giving up control, and allowing others to care for me, to give to me, and to let myself fall apart, and grieve.

Martin Prechtel is right, in so many ways, that Grief comes from the same muscle as praise, as love. That it is a community thing, not only a silent, alone thing.
Because of Covid, there was no funeral, but there was a Zoom gathering, which really helped with closure, and a place for people to gather, and tell stories, and say goodbye.

After his ashes came back, we gathered at the rocky beach, about an hour away, in the small town of Pescadero. It was a place we loved to go and pick rocks that were worn completely smooth by the rough surf, into beautiful shapes. He chose that spot, and we did a simple, powerful ceremony there, and everyone took a handful of Terry, and let him go, and become the ocean, and the mist, and the rocks.
Some of him, I sprinkled onto an open sea anemone, in a tide pool, that we would have loved to explore together.

I still feel him around, helping, and protecting, and providing, but basically, he is on his way to his next adventure.
I am completely changed.
Filled with both sadness, loss and grief, and a sense that a huge part of me is gone, and also, a strange sense of completion, in that emptiness, as if, like it or not, the next chapter of my life is already in motion.
This has all (of course) brought my own mortality into the front burner. With the work that I do, that is not a problem, but I also know that luck favors the prepared.

As time marches on, I am curious to see who will emerge from this.
Who will I become? Am I already that, and just taking off one more jacket, one more layer?

I am so grateful, to be held in so much love. That makes all the difference.
I have just been witness to such extraordinary things. I am grateful that Terry died without pain, and surrounded by love.
After everyone came for the ocean “send off”, and then left (the house, my space) I was able to settle into aloneness, in a big house.

Then I got Covid, and spent 2 weeks in bed with the flu.
It was almost funny (aside from the uncomfortableness of it all) because I really needed to purge, to completely take care of myself, and, perhaps, just sleep, and sleep, and heal myself.
And that I did.
And, again, friends came to the rescue, delivering soups, and medicine, and flowers and cards… forcing me to see how supported I am.

So now (3 weeks later) I am well, and feeling better every day.
i’m seeing clients again (thank you to everyone who waited!) and slowly getting back into the world. It was only a few months, but it feels like an entire year has just gone by, perhaps more.
I have definitely grown from this, and will grow more as I settle into the next chapter of my life. All of it.

Thank you for being a friend, a colleague, a client, and a part of my amazing journey, our amazing journey.
As Ram Dass said, “We are all just walking each other home”.

Bright moments,

Helena

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